Allo Allo!

 

I've just made this site so i don't have much news yet, so i'll make my first "Blog entry" into my tips for running, which will be reedited soon.

Next entry will be more bloggish, i promise.

 

 

Tue's Running Tips

 

Allo Allo everybody, so here it is: The collection of my awesome running wisdom collected on trips all around this crazy welt!

 

I'll probably update this list every once in a while when i think of new AWESOME tips for you funky runners, so feel free to share this list with your friends or complete strangers if you're into that kind of thing.

 

I must say that what i write here is not based on expert advice, but purely on my own experience, so if you know some guy who says some thing about that thing with the thing that does that thing, then he's probably right or at least has a different approach which is equally good.

 

Gear

Okay, first of all you need to get yourself some shoes, barefoot running is also EPIC EXTREME, but that's a bit further ahead in the scheudle.

 

So go to a proper running store and do the running test so they can see what kind of runner you are and find out what shoe is best for your way of running, it's a good idea to write down this information afterwards so that you'll have it forever and ever.

 

You can of course also just run in whatever running shoes you have, that's what i did with my first marathon and i'm still alive, but you get the best results and avoid injuries with good preparation, so keep that in mind.

 

Next you need to get yourself a shirt made from Polyester or some other kind of sweat transporting materials, cotton is fine for a short trip, but not when you run anything more than 15 Kilometers.

 

This is partially because cotton shirts gets superwet, which is both heavy and uncomfortable to run around with, and also, and this is a funny, but very important fact, cotton shirts will rip your nipples to shreds so that they can never be used again.

 

I don't know exactly what most people use their nips for, but i know that they're nice to have in case of an emergency.

 

So, get yourself a shirt of the right fabric (Possibly the Running For Water T-Shirt that i've probably tried to push in your face on several occasions) and buy some sports tape or just a regular band aid to put on your nips so that they don't get destroyed.

 

One of the many reasons that i underline this is because i saw a guy at the Copenhagen Marathon 2009 with blood running all the way down his white cotton shirts, and that sight will haunt me for life, and i do not wish to see a Running For Water T-Shirt covered in Nipple Blood, so for god's sake: TAKE CARE OF YOUR NIPPLES!

 

Okay, on to the next delicate matter: Underwear, always think about what you wear down there when you go running.

 

There are Special Underwear designed for running, which i've tried and they are better, but normal, more or less ”tight” underwear works just fine.

 

The only thing you need to remember is that your underwear shouldn't be too big and fluffy nor too unelastic, otherwise this will chafe at your inner thighs and leave you not bloody, but in a sharp reddish color that will not come off in the washer.

 

Another slightly funny, but very important tip is to use Vaseline or some other kind of creme when you're running trips for more than 20 kilometers, this will spare you from the aforementioned reddish misery of long distance running.

 

When it comes to Shorts and Tights i don't have much expert advice, i of course use tights when the weather tells me to and shorts when it's nice and warm, you can also get these kind of Half-Tights that don't go all the way down, they're good for the In-Between-Periods of Spring and Autumn.

 

Food

 

I am in no way an expert on this subject, but for many areas and especially for this one, i believe that the key thing is to find out what to do, but more importantly: find out what not to do.

 

So the way i do it is that i get up in the morning, mostly around 7-8 o clock, but do it as you find it most comfortable, i do not get off on controlling peoples sleeping habits.

 

Then i eat a big breakfeast, consisting of sandwiches filled with all kinds of delicious thangs, a glass of water/juice and a cup of coffee.

 

I eat the sandwiches partially because i love sandwiches and would marry them if society would accept it, and partially because it is recommended to take in a lot of carbohydrates, which bread is absolutely stuffed with, preferably white bread though.

 

The Water/Juice is partially because i love Water/Juice and would be covered in it 24/7 if only society would accept it, but also because MILK IS NOT AN OPTION!

 

Milk will make you gassy and at worst will give you stomach pains, so therefore NEVER DRINK MILK BEFORE A LONG TRIP!

 

The cup of coffee is partially because i love coffee and would have it taped to my face if only society would accept it, but also because coffee helps with digestion/makes you poop.

 

And this is yet another funny, but very important fact: running with your breakfeast trying to escape your body is incredibly uncomfortable, so always make sure to do your nasty business before you leave the house.

 

Then i wait around 1½ – 2 hours before i go running, which might be a bit shorter than most people, so feel free to wait a bit longer if you wish, and then if you get a bit hungry while waiting, grap a banana, NEVER AN APPLE!

 

Same as milk, Apples will make you gassy and at worst will cause stomach pains, so therefore NEVER EAT APPLES BEFORE/DURING A LONG TRIP!

 

During trips that are longer than 15-20 kilometers you should also make sure to eat something along the way, here you should of course find something you know works for you, what works for me is Bananas and Müsli bars, so you can use that if you want.

 

Chocolate and nuts are also an option, except that chocolate has a tendency to melt and nuts makes your throat dry, but whatever works for you.

Here you should try to space our your meals a bit, it's better to eat a small amount of food quite often, then a big amount rarely.

 

I mostly set it up so that i have something to eat every 5 kilometers after i've done the 20 kilometers, so you can do the same if you wish.

 

The same works for drinking, a little bit will help you run faster, while a lot of water/energy drink will slow you down.

 

Another thing is when you're running short trips, between 10-20kilometers, you shouldn't drink energy drinks seeing that they're filled with sugar and other kinds of nastyness that your body won't process unless you do exercise for a long time.

 

Of course if you run more than 20kilometers, drink energy drinks as crazy as you want, and you should really look forward to the Powerade/Gatorade at the Marathon, because while this stuff normally makes me sick with its insane sweetness and synthetic taste, i promise you: when you're doing a marathon, you will never taste anything better, because this blue/green shit has everything your body needs to push you that extra inch, so drink away, but as said before, even though it's delicious, don't drink too much, you'll regret it later.

 

Stretching

 

This is a subject where many people disagree, and i won't delude myself to be the bearer of the ultimate truth, but here it goes:

 

I stretch out 5-10 minutes both before and after a long trip, i won't tell you what specific exercises i do, seeing that you probably know that just fine yourself.

 

Some people say that you don't need to stretch out before and some people say you don't need to stretch out after, but i don't really care, this works for me, and i can clearly feel the difference when i haven't stretched out properly.

 

And yet again, stretching is a very good way to avoid injuring yourself or bringing back old injuries.

 

So therefore, if you have an old injury or just some place in your body you can feel needs that little extra touch, you should find some exercises that helps with that particular area.

 

For example: I sprained my right ancle a while ago, and i have since then started to work more on my ancles to make them stronger, also because the ancles in general is the most fragile and important part of the food (according to me, i don't know what the experts say)

 

So you really need to take care of your ancles, this you can do by buying a balance board, you know, those weird round things with a ball in the middle, they cost something like 20Euros and they're extremely helpful, just a couple of minutes every day and you'll see results quite soon (it will also make your genitals bigger/smaller and make you more attractive to the opposite sex, BUY NOW FOR SUPA PRICE!)

 

Personally i've also started doing Yoga, partially because i want to fulfill my life long dream of actually putting my head up my own ass, but also because Long Distance Running makes you very stiff in your joints, and Yoga is a great way to stay fleixble for doing other AWESOME and SUPER Manly sports such as climbing and BasketBawl.

So yeah, ALWAYS REMEMBER TO STRETCH and remember to listen to your body, it's supposed to hurt, but if it hurts A LOT you should give yourself a rest, you deserve it, you big sexy Wo/Man you.

 

Running

 

Okay, so now we've reached the exciting conclusion of this madness, so i'll give you some tips for when you're actually out there running your ass off.

 

First of all, i have to underline something that is extremely important, especially because a lot of people again and again make the same mistake, and that thing is that you must :

RUN SLOWER THE FURTHER YOU GO!

 

I've told this to large amount of people, and people still seem to make the same classical mistake, which ironically comes from being an accomplished athlete already.

 

Because people who are used to playing football or whatever pansy ass sport you people play (excepting of course climbing and basketball) they're used to running quite fast, both when playing the sport and when running in their spare time to train.

 

So the crucial thing here is that you must remember that no matter how strong you think you are, your body can't take running 20 kilometers at the same speed as when you run 10kilometers.

 

So therefore you have to remember to slow down when you run further, when you just run short trips, you can run as fast as you want, but when you do the long ones you should really remember this.

 

Another thing which is also a classic beginners mistake (one which i've found myself guilty of several times) is that you should try to have the same speed through out the whole race.

 

It's typical to start out strong, because you're at the Marathon, it's a big event, people are cheering for you, you're in the best shape of your life, afterwards waits fame and glory, everything is AWESOME, you're at the top of the world, so you just feel like running as fast as you can, that way you also get to run with all the cool, superfit and sexy looking young people instead of the oldies who you can't identify yourself with, and who know nothing about the latest Lady Gaga nor how you like your eggs in the morning, but anyways, so you start running, and for a while it works great, maybe you've even done half the race and you're feeling fine, maybe 25, maybe 30, but i promise you, around 35 you will most definitely hit the wall and feel like absolute shit, your feet will hurt with every step you take and you're suddenly starting to doubt that you will be able to make it to the finish line, slowly you start running slower and slower, while at the same time you become more and more scared of tripping over your legs, or simply stopping out of fear that you won't be able to start again, and then you start noticing that your heart is pounding faster and faster and then when you think that you can just about see the finish line, you accidentally trip over your own feet, and being too tired to break your own fall, you hit your head against the pavement and you DIE!

 

Okay okay okay, this might be a hyperbole gone too far, but if there's anything you must get away from reading these pages of wisdom mixed with bullshit, it is that you MUST control yourself from running too fast.

 

Personally i have acquired a pulse watch so that i can see how fast i'm running all the time, but you can get the same result simply by having some self-control.

 

Another way of doing this is to plan to run faster in the end, that way you'll have energy to spare in the end, which also will make the marathon much more comfortable for you, both during and after.

 

 

Oki Doki, i think i've spent enough time on this project for now, as said before, i'll probably do some editing and add-ons as time goes by, but for now this is what you're gonna get.

 

Oh yeah, as a reward for you reading the whole thing, i'll make these tips into a list of commandments so it's easier to remember:

 

Tue's 10ish Commandments - Tue be continued

 

1: Take care of your nipples, buy non-cotton t-shirt and cover them with tape/band-aid

 

2: Take care of your scrotum, use ”Tight” underwear and possibly vaseline/skin creme

 

3: Don't drink Milk and don't eat apples before a long trip!

 

4: Remember to stretch out both before and after, especially if you have prior injuries

 

5: RUN SLOWER THE FURTHER YOU GO!

 

6: Keep more or less the same speed during the whole marathon